A Journey of Fifteen Years

Wow, how time flies by. When I was sixteen, I was "sure" I would never have kids of my own. I was too enlightened for that - there were so many kids in the world already who needed love and a family, so I was going to adopt.

14 candles on the cake - but it makes the point

When I was eighteen, I added on the aspiration to join, and remain in, the military for twenty years and retire.

When I was nineteen, I met a guy who was "nice" and who made me laugh - he was the best friend of the guy I was dating at the time. He had always said he would "never" join the military, and especially not the Air Force.

Divorce and the Military Family

I wrote most of the following as a response to a question posted on CafeMom.com. I realize that parts of it may upset or offend some people. If you get offended, forgive me, but it is what I truly believe. The original post was talking about how many military folks get divorced and how sad that is. I agree: it is sad. It is also largely preventable, and really not so different than the civilian world. My answer seemed to touch some of the other readers, so I am posting it below.This is the second part.



The divorce rates are sad - and as in the civilian world are rooted (so it seems) in a bit of selfishness (which I'll delve into below) and a lack of communication - with the spouses themselves and with the outside world in general. Not sure what else the military can do to help except be more encouraging of spouses joining various "military-focused" groups such as the spouses groups or the other volunteer opportunities out there.

I have several friends who are in the midst of divorces right now: one was/is dual-military and I honestly don't know what happened there. I pray every day that they reconcile for the sake of their awesome boys. The other is single military/civilian. I know what happened there - and it is too common a story but one that plays out in all areas of society not just military. They also have children. I have one neighbor that has divorced in the past three years. I don't know what brought it about, but I know that their children are suffering from it and the aftermath. I pray for them too.

I suppose the point is that some of the problems are inherent regardless of your status in life. Unfortunately. But in my mind, it comes down to a bit of selfishness, a lack of communication and a lack of determination. This has been a topic of recent - and frequent - discussion between Maestro and me.

I've felt it important for him to understand this concept before he meets any potential future wife. So I have pointed it out to him: like it or not, every divorce I've ever seen has involved an element of selfishness. Please see that I did not say that all who divorce are selfish, only that there is an element of selfishness somewhere in the mix.

If you're cheating on your spouse, you want to have that bachelor/ette lifestyle still; if you are fighting all the time over money, children, etc., you have not worked hard enough to listen to one another as well as you should - you want it "my way or the highway." If you work so many hours "for the good of the family" that your family rarely sees you, you've placed money and "things" too high on your priority list. You get the idea. Perhaps this seems harsh, but how often do we work on what we're going to say next instead of really listening - not only to what is being said to you, but to how your words sound coming back. (Communication: another post altogether!) I will say it once more: every divorce I have seen - since I was a girl - has involved an element of selfishness. You can't be selfish and be in a happy marriage.

My oldest son has watched his friends' parents divorce and fight and he has asked if we will ever divorce. We decided long ago that divorce is not even an option. If divorce is not an option as far as you are concerned, then you look for other ways to solve the problems that come with living in close quarters with another human being.

That's my opinion on divorce.

I hope someday that our society comes to see that we can change the divorce dynamic, and that it doesn't require simply not getting married, but more of a willingness to put our personal "wants" to the side for the good of the family unit as a whole.

Linked to:

Stress in Military Families

I wrote most of the following as a response to a question posted on CafeMom.com. I realize that parts of it may upset or offend some people. If you get offended, forgive me, but it is what I truly believe. The original post was talking about how many military folks get divorced and how sad that is. I agree: it is sad. It is also largely preventable, and really not so different than the civilian world. My answer seemed to touch some of the other readers, so I am posting it below. I have split it into two parts because of the length. For non-military readers, perhaps this will give people something to think about into the life of the military family and divorce in general.

When my husband and I first met, we were both active duty. Many of the people we've known over the years have been dual military. We've seen marriages that have worked and those that have split up. DH has now been in 16 years; I was in for six (four married) and have been out for nine.

For dual military couples, there are a few factors involved that we've seen. 1) you work in a VERY close environment a lot of the time and so feel like you know each other better than you really do

2) people marry regardless of their chances of getting to be stationed together in the future

3) the jobs tend to be high-stress regardless of whether or not your job is "high stress." I suppose that is confusing.

As an example, Jeff was a flight chief in his unit at one time and had almost 50 subordinates. Each of the nearly-50 needed to have evals done, reports turned in, counselings (sometimes) done, etc. Even though he was "home" (i.e.: not deployed, which is a whole 'nother story) he was never - and I mean... er... almost NEVER - home in reality. He would routinely spend up to 30 hours at the office, with me driving him in and back so that he wouldn't crash. Alternately, he would come home after about 15 hours, sleep for two hours and head back in. That was stressful in a different way than the civilian world might consider - I heard more than once, "at least he's not deployed." Well, no. not really. At that point, he might as well have been deployed because of how little we actually got to see him at home!

From the perspective of a "mixed-military" family (one civilian, one military) - a lot of times, the spouses don't know what to expect from the military. The scenario I've described above is not something that one might expect coming from the civilian world. Add to that deployments and a lack of information and you have a high stress environment no matter what you do. Many bases offer classes for the spouses to take prior to a deployment, and those are marginally helpful. They give needed information but no one tells them: get to know your spouse's commanding officer, finance and support personnel, etc. 

No one takes spouses under their wing the way they should. The services try: the Army has a family support thing (sorry I forget what it's called) and the Air Force has the Key Spouse program. When properly used, these programs can be huge advantages, giving the spouses access to *someone* who can hook them up with the "right people" when needed. But the spouse has an obligation to step out of her shell and find friends and join groups as well. There is a real need for the spouse at home to see that those military links, whether or not they like it, can be a huge benefit, at the least in terms of being with people who understand what they are going through both during deployment and during off times.

So what is a spouse to do? Reach out, ask for friends, let people know that you're looking for someone to get together with. Know that those deployments, and deployments-at-home will come, and they will be hard. 

Most importantly: Support one another. Look to give as much as you receive. Here are links to two other posts that I think dovetail with this one. I hope you'll give them each thought as well.

The first is How to Support a Military Family Member During Deployment - I give 10 ways to support those around you whose spouses are away. 

The second is Divorce and the Military Family - in truth, this post can be applied to civilian marriages as well

At the end of the day, let's find ways to uplift one another and support each other in our day-to-day struggles. It can make such a HUGE difference to know that others care enough to reach out. Do you?

Do you speak'a ma' language?

Wednesday mornings, Jeff needs to be at work by 6:45 - and this Wednesday, the boys and I needed our only car, so we piled in at 6 a.m. to get him there on time. Usually, Buttercup falls back asleep pretty quickly. This week, she felt a need to chat first; she had found one of Smeagol's Silly Bandz in her chair and wanted to give it back to him.

He took it, but she wasn't done.

"NONAH! ... NONAH!" ("Nonah"/Smeagol was busy interacting with his brothers and did not hear her - or at least did not pay her any mind.) Again: "NOONAAHH!"

So often, as we interact with those we love, it can be hard to get the message across. We have to break through the wall of daily noise, all the other events going on, that surround us. That is, unfortunately, sometimes the easiest part.

"Yes?" Finally! Her noise broke through his 20-month-old sound-block filter.

Then comes the difficult task of truly listening to what the message is:

"Wannaonebanspeas."

And continuing the effort, though it's clear that we're not getting the real meaning behind the words and it's difficult or we're frustrated.

"What?"

"Wannaonebanspeas?"

After several attempts, during which even I was somewhat baffled, the lightbulb moment came: "I want a bandz please?" She was asking for the Silly Band back.

Jeff and I have been married eleven years - it will be twelve in November - and we have, like all married couples, had some battles. Not often, never long-lasting, but sometimes big blow ups that left me unable to sleep, until we discussed and dealt with the issue. (Curiously, the loss of sleep does not seem to be part of the process for Jeff!) Over time, we have come to realize that during our most heated discussion, we are actually saying the same meaning but in two different ways. In essence, we're talking right past one another at crucial moments in our lives together.

We are committed to figuring it out, talking it out no matter how painful or difficult. That doesn't make it any easier. I have learned, too, that it is also a matter of my own attitude (as I tell the boys).

I responded to a Yahoo post the other day - in it, a woman was asking if she should keep a written tally of every time her husband (whom she was considering divorcing because she felt he was being mean to and neglectful of her) did something she thought was mean or hurtful. Why would you want to sabotage yourself that way??

What we seek in life, what we choose to focus on and pay attention to, is what we will notice most frequently. As an experiment, try looking out for only the red cars on the road when next you drive. You'll see them everywhere! The same is true for the young lady who had been married only a few years. If she takes the time to focus on, and record, his every error, that is what she'll notice most readily. I advised her to start a love journal instead and write down all the things (right down to putting the chips away after he's done eating his snack!) that he did that were helpful or that made her feel loved. In time, she should begin to notice those nice, loving things most frequently.

I try to model that for our children as well. I love their father with everything in me. He is my "White Knight" and has saved me from others - and from myself, when I've need a (ahem) nudge (or a strong push) in the right direction. I want my marriage to last. Open, effective communication is an important part of that dynamic.

It all requires effort and a keen ear, and a willingness not to go to sleep at night until the issue is resolved.

As Smeagol handed the Silly Band back to Buttercup, "Ack you!" was her chipper return.

... Then she fell asleep.